Speaking of virtues

This morning Leone wanted to know what a firefighter does.  Since we're smack dab in the middle of making connections, learning how to treat people with kindness, using manners, being gentle with cats, so on and so forth, I decided to use this opportunity to help make my son -the hopeful firefighter- a young boy of virtue.

"Why, Leone, a firefighter does all kinds of wonderful things.  They help save kitties when they're stuck in trees!  They help people in car accidents.  They help put out fires, both in buildings and the woods.  Also?  They share their toys with people. And they say hello to their friends in Target.  They always use good manners and take turns."

Leone, well... he looked at me for a moment, cocked his head a bit to the left and asked, "What do monsters do?"

Afraid of what's right and what's not

Doesn't even make sense.  None of this makes sense.

I'm working extra hard on not apologizing for who I am.  For forever and ever I have sat back, maybe bleeped out a thought or two, then spent the night scared out of my mind that I had said the wrong thing.  That I had thought the wrong thing.  That I was, indeed, the wrong thing.

It's exhausting.

One of the things I get from people is how reflective I am.  My friends, my family, my professors.

So reflective.

Right now I don't see reflection as a virtue, rather a vice.  It can stop me cold.  Stone cold.  Well, that and a glass of wine (make that white because DAMN if red gives me migraines).

I've done found a community of folks that have made me feel normal.  You know how you meet new people and start to worry almost immediately that once you really show your true colors, they might run off in the other direction?  I'm trying to avoid that thought process.  I'm trying to not reflect on it so much.

Damnit. 

I miss writing.  I miss blogging.

1,495 things have happened in the past month.  Things that I deem pretty important.  I miss sharing those things.  But.

But I get all kinds of nervous.  Nervous because every once in a while I partake of the Kool-Aid that makes you think that sharing bits of you and your life to the whole world of Internet is detrimental. 

I don't want to invite detriment. 

Also?  I don't want to hide.

Balancing

In case you don't know, our boy can ride a balance bike.  No kidding, it's all he wants to do.  And no kidding as a secondary also, but he mostly prefers it on trails.  With rocks.  Trees.  Shrubs.  Wildflowers.  Hills.  Danger.

Yeah, we're proud.  Even when I spend the majority of the time gasping, sighing, and rolling my eyes up the Heavens.

A thrill seeker.

Just perfect.

A quickie

I've taken to waking up at 5:30 in the morning to get a head start on my day.  Truth be told, I never thought I would take that challenge on until I was in my mid-60s (don't most folks in their mid-60's wake up before 6am?).  Thing is, it ends up that I really needed a few extra minutes to my day to get my thoughts together, so here I am.  In my early- to mid-30's.  With a toddler who loves sleeping in until 6:45/7.  Making coffee at 5:30.

Pretty awesome.

I have approximately 6 more months until this Master's degree thing is officially over.  I go between thinking there's no possible way I can complete it to moments of academic high in which I'm basically kicking the program's ass while making it plead for mercy.

This back and forth business can make a gal crazy.

lumbering up a slope

... I climbed toward the rock without resting, and when I finally got there I picked another landmark and started all over again.

I climbed that way for hours, focusing my attention completely on some target- a rock, a shadow, an unusual ruffle in the snow- until the distance to that target became all that mattered in the world.  The only sounds were my own heavy breathing and the rhythmic crunch of my shoes in the snow.  My pace would soon become automatic, and I slipped into a trance.  Somewhere in my mind I still longed for my father, I still suffered from fatigue, I still worried that our mission was doomed, but now those thoughts seemed muted and secondary, like a voice on a radio playing in another room.  Step-push, step-push.  Nothing else mattered.  Sometimes I promised myself I'd rest when the next goal was reached, but I never kept my promise.  Time melted away, distanced dwindled, the snow seemed to glide beneath my feet.  I was a locomotive lumbering up the slope.  I was lunacy in slow motion....

- Nando Parrado

Birthday stuff

Our kid.

Sigh.

Today was his first day back to school/daycare.  I was so dang proud of him.  He was a bright and shiny super star who happened to do an awesome job of being himself while I began to attempt to reconfigure my day without his constant companionship.  Pretty sure I missed him more than he missed me, but I'm pretty sure that's the way I want it (at least that's what I'm telling myself).

Today also happened to be my birthday.  I just so happen to hate my birthday, so my beloved figured out that it might just work out to celebrate it the day before.  As it so happens, that worked out just wonderfully.  Less pressure, less memories, less whatever that makes the specific day so dang intense.

We did lots of fun things, including some rock throwing.  Some stage performing.  Some desserts.  Some food.  Some wine.  Some laughing.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow we're back to the grind.