Saturday, May 7, 2011

Ummm... about that rant

Sorry about that rant yesterday.  It had been a super duper long day and I was frustrated. 

Recently someone told me I shouldn't be putting so much energy into my graduate degree.  They said I was missing out on a lot and that I shouldn't stress about doing my best for every single paper.  Basically they told me to be a slacker.  That this degree wasn't worth it.  That getting the grades I want doesn't mean much in the whole wide world of things (but what about what it means to me?!).

Since I have worked so very hard to not complain about the work I am putting into my time as a student with this person in particular, her response surprised me.  And to be honest, it pissed me off.  First and foremost, this person holds a lot of influence in my life and she knows it.  Although I am working somewhat hard on not immediately thinking I'm in the wrong if someone else disagrees with me, I can still be easily persuaded to change my mind when I'm teetering (especially when said person's opinion carries weight).  Secondly, the truth of the matter is that I have to fight the urge to quit this program probably once a week.  I certainly don't need someone else encouraging my negative mindset.  While I love being a teacher and am thankful for the knowledge I am gaining, I despise my schedule.  And more than the sour feelings I have regarding the "whens" of completing this paper or that discussion, I hate the loss of time, energy, and moments with my family.

But yet.  Here I am.  Like so many others out there.  Juggling.   Tossing balls this way and that way.  Trying my best to not drop a thing.

The truth is, what happened yesterday as I ranted and raved (maybe not so much raved) stemmed not from what kinds of energy this paper in particular was taking from me, nor from the silly and negative comments people sometimes have to share about teachers.  That's old news.  I think it stemmed from the control I gave to one person's opinion from a phone call two weeks ago.  Because really?  When someone spends an entire conversation saying that teachers do whatever they can to take time off through those drated staff development days (or conference days or holidays and why can't the test scores go up, and shouldn't all students be speaking English by now), then on the next phone call demands that I stop trying my best when it comes to continuing on with my education?  Well, it makes those eight hour long days feel nearly impossible. 

And then my brain wants to pop.