Thursday, June 16, 2011

I never thought it would have come to this, a bit edited

I had made up my mind.  I was going to invite her to my house.  Never mind that we had never talked on the phone.  Never mind that we lived hours apart from each other.  Never mind that the only things I knew about her were the things she chose to share on her blog.  On her facebook status updates.  On her public domain.

The day she drove up I felt sick to my stomach.  Every car that went by made my heart leap into my throat, followed closely by a moment of nausea.

Why do I put myself into these moments?  Wasn't it enough getting through high school?  Making new friends in college?  Falling in love, making a commitment to one person to be their forever, buying two cats along with a washer and a dryer?  Building a home?  Becoming a mother?  Wasn't it enough?  Hadn't I experienced enough increased heart palpitations for my lifetime?  Why am I doing this? 

And what if she ended up being mean?  And angry?  What if she stole our forks?  Or way worse, what if she took off with my kid in the middle of the night and disappeared?  What if she was a liar?  If her entire blog was a set up in order to make it to this very moment in which Lifetime movies are modeled after?

What if we didn't like each other?  If her blog was true.  If her facebook status updates were true.  If she was incredible and amazing and generous and beautiful and really, really nice- but we didn't click.  What if she hated me?  What if she thought I was the worst parent, the worst cook, the worst housekeeper, the worst everything?  What then?  Would she write about it on her blog?  Would the world full of people who don't know me, but know me, end up hating me also?  Find out my truth and come to my door with sticks on fire, sharp rakes in their hands?

Nerve-wracking.  Absolutely nerve-wracking.

What ended up happening was that I found myself a soul sister.  A woman who knows how to love, how to share, how to assert oneself, how to listen, how to talk. 

You are amazing.  You are.

I suppose it makes sense.  The truth of the matter is, I've known her for a long time through the grace of Blogland (I've dug her the entire time, by the way!).  And every once in a while, just like this incredible visit, I've received the opportunity to get to know these mysterious faces on a much more personal level.  I've laughed in person with her.  I've hugged this one on a sandy beach.  I got to experience one of her absolutely incredible birthday parties for her boy once upon a time, she helped me organize my life prior to a trip to Ethiopia, and she also stood by my side as I gathered my father's belongings after his death.  This one talked me through many a freak out as I became a new mother (we briefly met in person once, but I fell in love instantly and can't wait to meet her again).  I know this one's true name (can you believe I've read her blog long enough to have known her prior to her use of her super awesome pseudo name?!) .  And I'm going to meet her and her pretty soon.

Truth?  You know me better than a lot of people round these here parts.  And I'm so grateful.  So grateful to share, to learn, to embrace, to congratulate, to cry with.  We are growing and changing and loving and learning.  I would never, never, never had thought that day I wrote my first post announcing to the world that my tesoro and I were infertile... I never would have thought it would come to this.  I had just wanted to say my truth out loud.  To not feel so damn alone in our journey.

Thank you for helping out with that.  It has meant the world.